I am walking like a ghost, my feet barely touching the floor. I want to run, to get out of the castle walls that are closing in on me. Once, it felt too big for me. Back then, I wanted to run, too.

I am a runner. When I was younger, Remus would have to chase me in the park, and I would tell him to stay and we'd laugh and walk and eat ice cream, smiling as if there was nothing better in the world. I wanted to stay in that bubble forever, but it popped and broke when Remus kept sending me away, even on weeks when he wasn't going to turn.

Emmeline and Mary tried to help, and I love them with all my heart, but they couldn't stop my crying as I covered myself up in my white blankets. They could barely find me when I ran away, trying to find Remus, hoping he'd let me stay.

"Chrys?" My eyes widen as I spot Harry, looking betrayed. I take off in the other direction; I am a runner. "Chrys, wait!"

Harry catches up with me quickly, and then grabs my arm to stop me. I wring my arm away, shaking, eyeing him warily.

"What?" I ask shakily. "Just yell at me. Tell me how disappointed you are, how much you hate me. Just say it all."

Harry shakes his head, although I see the flash of his emotions, like a quick shuffle of cards. "I don't hate you. I just want to know why."

"Everyone wants to know why," I snap bitterly. "I don't know why I fell for him, and I don't think I ever will."

And I still fancy him, no matter how much I want to stab myself when I think about that. Why? Why him? Why not anyone in the world?

"Because you're goddamn special, Potter."

No. He cannot be in my head, ever.

Remus's voice floats in my brain, tearing me apart. "I can't look at you, Anne, not after what I've done ..."

"Remus!" I had pleaded, so young, so soft.

"You don't know why," Harry says slowly. "You don't know."

I shake my head, but I am starting to think that I'm lying to myself.

Draco's voice cuts through my rational thoughts, right after that memory of Remus, his gaunt circles, and sad smile fades away. "I can't stop looking at you ..."

"You don't know why you dated a Death Eater?"

I open my mouth, and then close it.

"Do you even believe he's a Death Eater?"

"I won't tell anyone." I had choked on a sob. "Just let me go."

I gulp, imagining my mangled hand, a closed throat, and loud sobbing. "I ..."

"Merlin," Harry says, stricken. "You believed me, and you still dated him."

He makes me feel, I want to say. But I'm not sure that is true anymore. He makes me tired, mad at myself. He is a hurt, angry boy who would destroy his life just to hurt me, when he promised the opposite.

"Say something, Chrys!" he says, his voice growing louder. "Please say something!"

I look at my bruises. They are slowly healing, but the hand around mine is strong, like the grip he still had on my heart. That he still has.

"I'm sorry, Harry."

"He almost killed Katie! He poisoned Ron!"

I freeze. "What?"

"Oh, so your boyfriend didn't even tell you that?"

"We broke up," I say, like it makes everything better. It does not.

"That doesn't matter." Harry turns away. "I can't believe you'd ever associate with him."

You don't get it, I want to scream until my throat no longer works. But even I don't get my own decisions, so how can I say that?

"Good luck," he says tiredly, "with your Death Eater boyfriend." I open my mouth to say that he's not, that he won't be again, but nothing comes out. "Maybe you'll start bullying students with him, too."

I bristle. Susan said something similar, too. "Harry, I'm not ━━━"

"Take a look at what you've become, Chrys. And if you realize your mistake of dating him in the first place, then maybe you can apologize, and maybe we'll be able to go back to normal."

Tears slip from my cold eyes as he leaves me in the dust.

"I'm sorry, Harry," I say one last time, before turning around. We'll never go back to normal; I know that. We were never normal in the first place, though. So there's nothing to go back to but that ice wall that I have all around me.

I turn to walk away, prepared to find a closet to sob in, like I sometimes do. I don't want to be near Susan, whose eyes are steel when they stare at mine.

I don't want to be near anyone.

But I end up being near someone, anyway.

"I'm sorry, Potter," is all I hear, before everything is muffled and the ice cracks, burning because of our skin, because Draco Malfoy is trapping me with his arms, with a hug. "I'm so fucking sorry."

I sob in his arms, which are meant for comfort.

But I just feel desolate as ever, because while he is whispering sweet nothings in my ear, my heart is falling for it all over again.

I don't want to. I have already disappointed everyone, including myself. I know he's horrible.

But he pretends like I'm not.

note / ermmmm that's not! (as if i didn't write this)